Chick With A Gun

All in "God's Plan" huh?

2006-04-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

"It's all in God's plan." she said with a sort of arrogance one could almost buy at Neiman Marcus. Her nose pointed into the air and filled me with disgust as she tipped her pinkie out, sipping, sipping hot tea on a muggy spring afternoon. Who drinks hot tea when it's almost eighty degrees outside anyway, I asked myself with irrational frustration and dismay. This entire meeting was unnerving.

Then I realized it. It is not in "God's plan" for human beings or any other creature to suffer. What loving, "totally in control" God would purposely cause a child to be molested by a perverted uncle? What kind of "totally in control" God would allow a loving, nurturing, pure & giving person to be continuously screwed over in every aspect of their life?

No, it is irrational that a God who is full of love & personifies love itself would purposely cause suffering. "No", I responded to her with tardiness, "It is NOT in God's plan for these people to suffer or be in pain or to go through hardship. I think that all these horrible things would sadden a God of love. Where God comes in to play is if and when one chooses to bring God's divine light, goodness, or positivity, (which are all aspects of a God of Love) into their lives in spite of their hardship. I see God as more of a clockmaker. He makes the clock and winds it up and lets it run on it's own. The only time he intervenes is if the clock stops ticking altogether. It makes him sad if it doesn't work as well as he wants it to but he chooses not to fix it and to let it run its course on its own, in hopes it might fix itself."

The conversation grew completely silent and I saw a hand raised in front of my face. It was her hand as she said "no more". Why is it that she didn't want to hear more? Was it making her think too much? Was it making her question her blind faith? Good. Blind faith kills a lot of people in the world. Thorough, responsible investigation and analysis, and weighing of evidence helps to prevent extremist views and keep hate from spreading.

So, you may ask yourself Why I seem to feel so much contempt for people who take their religion so fundamentally? Is it because some tend to take their beliefs to such a literal state where they forget the human aspect of life here on earth? Is it because they have been taught that their way is the only way that is correct? Is it because they see their religious doctrine as a reason to single out people and hate? Is it because they tend to see their doctrine as a literal, word-for-word incarnation of God's very own words instead of looking at the context clues that surround the writing of it...meaning fallible men with their own personal, varying life experiences and agendas writing THEIR interpretation and political opinions of the times in which they live?

It's because for years I was forced into attending a church that did not focus on what was important. Never do I remember even once doing anything for charity or thinking of the poor or the unfortunate. I remember being isolated, because I didn't wear the right brand of jeans or because my parents were not doctors or lawyers. Sure, kids can be cruel, but that's not all who were cruel. Adults were just as bad. I remember sitting in the pew, watching men with uptight grimaces, shaking hands, then wiping them off on their pantlegs, or passing out business cards...at church. One time, a black man, wearing traditional African clothing came into our church, bowed with respect and sat quietly to watch the service. People got up and left. This is what I don't understand. It's the hypocrisy, the blind faith and being there for the wrong reasons. The anxiety the church put me through as a child...the constant, on-going talk of hell & brimstone, punishment and death, sin, sin SIN!!! Never did anyone focus on the positive things God or Christ did in existence. It was always about death, hell, sin, and the cross. I appreciate the sacrifice on the cross but let's focus on the good Christ did in his life and ACTUALLY make a TRUE EFFORT to follow that instead of mourning over the cross. I mean, that part is over, right?

Needless to say, I never felt God there. I never felt God anywhere until now. That's because, until a few years ago, I was told that God was in just one faith...one belief...and I thought I was right about that. I thought that might be true. But, now, I have found that it is not. God is everywhere. God is in everything. You have to think on a higher level, however, than black vs. white/good vs. evil/right vs. wrong...and you have to understand that life is full of disappointments, pain, and suffering and that it is not God trying to punish you for something you may have done wrong in the past. I truly believe that. It is because bad things happen in this universe to good people....very good people. It's how you deal with it, how you choose to bring some inkling of positivity into it...break into the divine light...that's what makes the difference.

Transition...

2006-03-22T09:51:00.000-08:00

Transition charcoal on paper

Above is my most recent drawing, done yesterday. I was inspired to draw it because of a very close friend who has found herself in a very hard time. However, she has handled her hardship with courage, strength, and confidence. Whether she has noticed it or not, she has grown into a much stronger woman because of it. So the woman in this picture, who looks asleep or in a trance is finally coming out of the darkness and feeling the light shine down upon her skin. It's the moment of transition, the glimpse of the first light with a promise of more to come. This one's for you Dee Anna. I love you!

Do I have a favorite song?

2006-03-22T06:18:00.000-08:00

I have never really been able to pinpoint a song that I would call my "favorite song" but I believe that the song by The Verve "Bittersweet Symphony" is the closest thing to it. It moves me and I can identify it, plus it has some gorgeous music in it. The song emotionally charges me and makes me remember the good in my life and the bad in my life from which I can learn.

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this lifeTrying to make ends meetYou're a slave to money then you die...

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah...

No change, I can't changeI can't change, I can't change

But I'm here in my mind I am here in my mind

But I'm a million different peoplefrom one day to the next

I can't change my mind No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never prayBut tonight I'm on my knees yeah

I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeahI let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't changeI can't change, I can't change

But I'm here in my mind I am here in my mind

And I'm a million different peoplefrom one day to the nextI can't change my mind

No, no, no, no, no, no, noI can't changeI can't change it'

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

Trying to make ends meet

Trying to find some money then you die

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

You know the one that takes you to the placeswhere all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't changeI can't change, I can't change

But I'm here in my mind I am here in my mind

And I'm a million different peoplefrom one day to the next

I can't change my mindNo, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mindno, no, no, no, no,I can't changeCan't change my body,no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down

Been down

Ever been down

That you've ever been down

Thank you for your prayers for rain!

2006-03-22T06:14:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for your prayers and meditations for rain. It obviously worked! We got a decent amount of rain which, as I am sure you heard, extinguished the fires. Now we are supposed to get snow today! Can you believe that? Snow in Texas in March? Well, it does happen!

You are all wonderful people! I am sorry I was gone for a little while! I needed a break. I will be back creating and sharing more art & writing with you now!

Wild Fires in Texas

2006-03-12T18:11:00.000-08:00

To all of my online friends & readers. Please pray, meditate, or send positive thoughts in my direction. The prayers are not for me but for people living not too far for me. I live in the panhandle of Texas and we are experiencing two wildfires currently due to our extreme drought and high winds.

There are two fires burning currently, not too far from me. Six people have died already tonight due to reasons directly and indirectly related to these fires and high winds (car accidents because of poor visibility, smoke inhalation, etc). Many small towns east of my area are being evacuated and many homes have already been lost.

So, your prayers, thoughts, and/or meditations would be greatly appreciated for people in danger in my area.

Thank you all!

Spring!

2006-03-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you but I am ready for some springtime weather. I hope, wish, and pray for thunderstorms (but no tornadoes), flowers, and rain. Spring is such a natural, fertilizing time of the year, such a renewal of hope & youth. New offspring of many kinds of animals are born. Beautiful flowers of all shapes and colors are born. Lush colors are born on the ground and in the sky. Life is in the air!

A time to renew, cleanse our souls, cleanse the ground, and simply breathe...

Spring Rain
by Marchette Chute

The storm came up so very quick
It couldn't have been quicker.

I should have brought my hat along,
I should have brought my slicker.

My hair is wet, my feet are wet,
I couldn't be much wetter.
I fell into a river once
But this is even better.

The Caged Bird...

2006-03-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

When she entered the room, everyone noticed. Her aura filled everyone with joy and excitement. Kindness poured from her fingertips & her smile was gracefully given to all without limit. In her hair she wore beads of many colors...carefully chosen by hand and woven in with love. Breezy skirts seemed to dance against her body when she walked with confidence. Wherever she was, laughter was nearby.

Until last week. Last week she spoke of her new "love". Excitement filled her voice for a day or so. Then she began to change...quickly. As her aura darkened, the laughter faded. After only a few days, she stopped her kind gestures. The beads came out and her hair became neat but unoriginal. The skirts that once flowed around her spirit disappeared and were replaced with sensible slacks. Her smile was gone.

Now she sat in the far corner, studying a Bible with deep solemnity. Almost rude remarks were all we heard from her. Concerned friends flocked to her side to check on her but she pushed them away with irritated looks and cold replies.

I offered her my ear, my shoulder, whatever she needed but she denied anything was wrong. Subtly, I hinted at a change in her disposition. Her responses were that she was trying to get closer to God. Closer to God? Does she not see that she was already close to God? She spoke of God often and seemed to really live his love, his compassion, his energy.

Why then is this once-free bird now caged? It seems the closer she thinks she is trying to get to
God, the further away from God's love she gets. Who holds the key to her shackles? And why does organized and especially evangelical religion so often blind us and force us to seek that which we should be avoiding in to begin with? Is someone forcing her into this plastic mold of forced uniform religion? How can I free this bird?

***photograph by Jesse Chan-Norris @ www.jessechannorris.com.

2006-02-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

"Wisdom begins in wonder."
Socrates

A very true statement. It's when we stop wondering and start ignoring our curiosities that we age. It's when we settle for the dull and mundane that we become tired. It's when we forget to appreciate and enjoy those little things in life that we truly stop living. So learn, live, play, and love...you'll be glad you did.

Keep seeking...

2006-02-22T10:01:00.000-08:00

Strive to discover the mystery before life is taken from you. If while living you fail to find yourself, to know yourself, how will you be able to understand the secret of your existence when you die? Farid ud Din Attar

I found this while reading some Sufi poetry. As simple as it is, it reminded me that there is a beauty within souls who wander, question, and seek.

So, my friends, keep your eyes open. Know that you are still growing. Keep seeking knowledge, enlightenment, and the poem that you are. Forgive your faults and strive to transform them into something beautiful. Embrace your curiosity; keep questioning everything. That's what keeps our spirits alive. Keep searching, keep looking, but, most of all keep learning. Life's journey will leave it's mark on your soul...let it be beautiful and transcending for all to see.

The Dangers of Deceit

2006-02-15T13:54:00.000-08:00

"From wild horses on the plain to fish within the sea, all creatures recognize their young. It's only man, whose arrogance and pride will make his son his deadly enemy."

(excerpt taken from Sohrab and Rostam in the Shahname, by Abolqasem Ferdowsi)

I read the aforementioned story of Sohrab and Rostam and was deeply touched by this tragic but beautiful story. Although I read it in English instead of it's native language, I still found it beautifully flowing & poetic.

Taken from Shahname (the Iranian Book of Kings), it was written by Abolqasem Ferdowsi (932-1025). It is a tragic tale in that a father unknowingly kills his own son who threatens the Shah of Iran.

The biggest underlying theme I got out of this story was deceit and how it leads to tragedy. From the very beginning little pieces of deception grow & manifest & become the characters' own enemies. It is deceit that ultimately leads to the death of a son by the hands of his own father.

I thought it was a great reminder to be truthful and honest, even forthcoming in all ways possible because deceit can be deadly.

"Gutsy" Artist

2006-02-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

We as artists are always trying to find ways to get what’s inside on some sort of plane. Sometimes it is a memory, other times a fantasy. We use charcoal, pencils, paints, camera film. Sometimes what we are portraying is only an abstract thought on life, love, or pain. Other times it is rather concrete….a commonly known fact, tossed around in the palette for a while, like an expensive wine. But, another artist has taken a less conventional approach…a bit educational & obvious, raw & intriguing at the same time.

The artist? Philip Ornell.
His medium? A small, endoscopic medical camera he swallowed.
The subject? The digestive track of his body.

Using a small endoscopic camera, he allowed an audience to view the camera’s journey through his body as a part of digestion. It may seem odd or raw or disgusting to some, but I find it refreshing that he is trying to show us that our bodies are not disgusting but are indeed worthy of exploration.

Our bodies are fascinating inside & out, with all their intricate workings. We should not be so afraid to inspect them on the inside or the out. We have inspected them, in fact on the outside for centuries now & I do agree it is time for the next step.

I would like to take the time to thank this artist for being honest, raw, and even satisfying my curiosity as well as educating me on my innards.

A Powerful Photo...

2006-02-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

A friend had this posted on his blog. He said it recently won photo of the year. I do not know the photographer. If anyone out there does know any information about it, please let me know! I thought it was so moving, powerful & beautiful that I just had to share it with you.

Stop Whining, Marine....part 2...resolution at last!

2006-02-10T11:47:00.000-08:00

(Please read & refer to the previous post..."Stop Whining, Marine" to understand fully what this post is regarding)

After doing some more of my own research on this accusation of Starbuck's not supporting our troops, I came across this site & the complete story & resolution to my previous post.

Starbuck's cleared it all up for us & the Marine that originally complained even was man enough to clear it up & admit he made a mistake. Good for him!

There is always some other side to any story, isn't there?

http://www.boycottwatch.org/misc/starbucks2.htm

Stop whining, Marine.

2006-02-10T11:07:00.000-08:00

There is currently an email circulating about why we shouldn't support Starbucks Coffee because they supposibly "denied" a bunch of Marines free coffee. I think the person who wrote this email needs to check the facts & maybe reconsider the situation. Everyone is always so ready to jump on the bandwagon of blaming everyone else for not being "Patriotic" enough.

Here is a copy of the email:

Starbucks Denies Coffee to Marines !!

Recently Marines in Iraq wrote to Starbucks because they wanted to let them know how much they liked their coffee and to request that they send some of it to the troops there.

Starbucks replied, telling the Marines thank you for their support of
their business, but that Starbucks does not support the war, nor anyone in it, and that they would not send the troops their brand of coffee.

So as not to offend Starbucks, maybe we should not support them by buying any of their products!

As a war vet writing to fellow patriots, I feel we should get this out in
the open. I know this war might not be very popular with some folks, but that doesn't mean we don't support the boys on the ground fighting street-to-street and house-to-house for what they and I believe is right.

If you feel the same as I do then pass this along, or you can discard it
and no one will never know.
Thanks very much for your support. I know you'll all be there again when I deploy once more.

"Semper Fidelis."
Sgt Howard C. Wright
1st Force Recon Co
1st Plt PLT

PLEASE DONT DELETE THIS .. ALLOW IT TO BE PASSED TO ALL
IN MEMORY OF ALL THE TROOPS WHO HAVE DIED SO THAT WE MAY HAVE THE RIGHT
TO CHOOSE TO SUPPORT THEM OR NOT!!!

I have done some research on the Starbucks issue. I went to their website & found an entire section saying that Starbucks DOES support our troops. Also, it does announce that they ALREADY donate coffee to troops serving in Iraq or Afghanistan. Read it for yourself on their website: www.starbucks.com/aboutus/csr.asp## (You will need to scroll halfway down and you will see the section entitled: "Starbucks Donates to Military Personnel".

I know that, having been in the military myself, when we were deployed, some people tried to always write companies trying to get free products. They would try to take advantage of the "Patriotic high" the country was experiencing in order to get pity and to get free goodies. I never agreed with asking for free products even when I was in the Army. I saw my job as a soldier as a very prideful thing but still a job, a responisibility, not a reason to get everyone's sympathy & free goodies. I didn't believe in whining until I got something for free. I didn't want to take advantage of the good will of the American people, either. I didn't expect anyone to feel sorry for me for being in any situation because that was what I signed up for.

I also believed and still do that people & companies have every right to voice their discontent or dissent with any world situation. That is why, after all, we live in a democracy and also that is why consumers do also have a choice of who they want to support or not support too. Yes, I do believe that people should at least appreciate the sacrifices made of service members, regardless of how they feel about the war itself.

I would like to know EXACTLY what was said on BOTH sides of the story before I made a decision to boycott any company. I am NOT saying that this person is lying but I am saying that in situations as this, sometimes feelings get hurt & egos get insulted & that leads to overreaction or misinterpretation. Maybe Starbucks told these particular people no because they had already donated more than enough to the troops over there & if they donated to every single individual soldier they would lose profits. And yes, that is what they are in business for...to make profits.

Now, if the coffee was donated (which Starbucks says it was) then maybe it is only getting to the higher brass...in which case, that is a LEADERSHIP issue, not Starbucks' problem.

I guess what I am trying to say is, thanks for serving, I appreciate your hard work & sacrifice but stop whining about doing your job and stop riding the "Patriotic" bandwagon.

Diversity...

2006-02-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

Sipping away at my coffee this morning, I glanced at the quote printed on the side of the cup. Although the quote is very basic, it is very pure & true. I thought it was a good reminder of how important diversity in this world really is. Take the time this weekend to notice the positive differences in people & to truly appreciate them.

Imagine we are all the same.

Imagine we agree about politics,

religion and morality. Imagine

we like the same types of music,

art, food and coffee.

Imagine we all look alike.

Sound boring?

Differences need not divide us.

Embrace diversity. Dignity is

everone's human right.

-Bill Brummel

Documentary filmmaker.

His programs focus on human rights issues.

Life...the Journey or the Destination?

2006-02-09T17:21:00.000-08:00

Some say life is all about the destination. Others say it is the journey that counts.

After a variety of experiences in my 28 years, I would have to say that it is a combination of both, a balance of the two.

I would love to say that life is the journey alone. We experience so much and all of it has some sort of value. We make memories, build character or become more "well-rounded" through the good or the bad.

The destination is important because it is what you do along the journey, what you learn, what you try and fail that gets you to that end. Then what? The afterlife, in one way or another, is commonly believed to be a result of what deeds are done during one's life...one's journey.

What do you think? Do you think it is the destination, the journey or a little bit of both that are important?

Art that makes us feel...

2006-01-29T18:38:00.000-08:00

Although he did many self-portraits, this one, for some reason stands out to me. The great Renaissance-era German artist, Albrecht Durer is responsible for this dark, glowing, and proud work.

Since I first came across it, I can't seem to get it out of my mind's eye. To me, it speaks volumes of solemn pride, yet uncertainty of the future. It makes me feel very emotional, in general. He was 28 when he did this work & I feel, just by looking at the piece, that he was really feeling his youth starting to slip away...perhaps he felt the aging process just starting to rear its head...sensing subtle changes on the horizon...

I, too, am 28, and while I realize we live a bit longer (if we are lucky) these days, I still can feel subtle changes within my mind, soul, and body starting to really take place. I feel like he shares those feelings with me. I don't feel old at all, but I feel....different....more aware of everything...more aware of my mortality, more aware of pain, more aware of happiness. Perhaps that is why this work speaks to me. It seems full of pride of where he has been, uncertainty of where he is going, and the ambition that holds it all together to continue on, regardless the consequences.

Maybe you get something different out of this work...perhaps nothing at all...Feel free to share.

For more information about the artist Albrecht Durer and is work, please visit http://www.boglewood.com/cornaro/xdurer.html

Take a deep breath and have a good laugh!

2006-01-27T16:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday, everyone! I thought you might enjoy something a little less serious & a little more light-hearted today. I don't know how many of you have heard of "The Onion" (a satyrrical news source) but it is very comical and a good way to unwind. So, if you have a sense of humor and need a laugh, go check it out! I love it!

http://www.theonion.com/content/index

Things that make me ask: Why?

2006-01-26T16:41:00.000-08:00

I can't even comment on this one tonight because it breaks my heart. You will just need to read the article for yourself. I do ask, however, that you send out prayer, positive energy and/or your thoughts to the remaining family memebers. May peace be with them.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/26/bus.crash/index.html

Rest in peace, little angels.

That's when you know it is bad...

2006-01-25T21:28:00.000-08:00

T.....Y.....L......

The keys quietly click with the urgent tapping of nervous fingers....fingers searching for something the mind knows could be tragic news...but the fingers, independent of will continue on....click, click, click...

(Enter)... a poised breath, a moment of dreadful searching...

The glowing white with blurry black print...

How is it you know when a war becomes devastating to its parties? I will tell you when. It is when you catch yourself, draped in a casual fog of subconscious reality...."googling" the names of your past comrades and fellow soldiers (because you can't sleep for the nightmares depicting the worst)...the honorable people with whom you once served...trusting and loving like family...often more than family...politics aside, these are real people...dedicated people...loved people...

Sweat building and boiling from within, you hope, wish, and pray to get:

"No Match" or an irrelevant articles, but not.......

.......definitely not a casualty list...Because that is when you know it is bad...

Human Arrogance...

2006-01-25T14:18:00.000-08:00

So there I was, sitting patiently in my college Algebra class, contemplating "fascinating" equations. (Ok, so I don't find algebra fascinating, unfortunately, though I am making an honest effort in finding enjoyment in it. Just give me time; I am working on it.)

Anyway, the professor got off the subject & mentioned an article about how more than 60 frog species have become extinct & scientists believe it is due to global warming. Naturally, the class "awed" and "oohed" and shook their heads, saying things like "what a shame" and "that's too bad". I did the same, but then I spoke up and stated "If we're not careful, we will be extinct before long too."

Much to my shock, almost the entire class turned around and with widely glazed eyes locked on me in disbelief. No one said a word and it was extremely awkward. It was as if they could not believe I had the audacity to say something negative about the human species. It was as if we were invincible and could not be harmed...Protected by some unseen force.

The silence became too much for me so I laughed and followed up with "Yes, we are animals ourselves...it is possible." Once again, complete silence and mindless glares. Was I in the twilight zone?

A few seconds later, with no further argument, my fellow students turned around and the professor continued her lecture (about algebra now), avoiding that sticky conversation altogether. She wasn't going to bail me out of that one.

For the rest of the class, I have to admit that Algebra vanished from my mind and I was lost in deep contemplation. Could we humans be so arrogant and prideful as to think we are above nature? Do we think that because, according to Judeo-Christian doctrine or by evolution/survival of the fittest (whichever you happen to believe), that we are some kind of super-beings that cannot be destroyed? Did we take the "dominion" rite listed in the Bible a little out of context? Dominion, by definition means control or ownership of property but that does not mean abuse of it. We were given Dominion (if you subscribe to Judeo-Christian beliefs) over the other animals of the planet, which does suggest responsibility within that right. When you have control of a piece of property, I think it is understood that you should take care of it...treasure it, and try to keep it from harm.

I know we have made it a long time on this planet & we have accomplished some amazing things, (thanks to reason and the opposable thumb), but that does not make us invincible. I am afraid that will be painfully demonstrated to us in a final lesson before too long although I hope I am wrong. If we don't take care of the earth and all of our fellow creatures, they will stop taking care of us before too long. I hope I am wrong.

Who Am I?

2006-01-24T15:30:00.000-08:00

I am...

Artist, warrior, thinker, critic,
Friend, lover, sister...
Daughter, seeker, deviant...
Aunt, amateur, wanderer...

Because of these ,I am also a student...
Hurting, healing, laughing, crying....but most of all, learning....

A student of life and of art, a student of consequence...

Dodging Personal Responsibility

2006-01-22T18:37:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't been on this planet for too terribly long but I have been here 28 years and over that time, I have noticed something. It seems that, more and more, we are unable to accept responsibility for our own actions. I know this has always been a problem within human nature but doesn't it seem to be getting worse lately? If something bad happens to someone we love or even ourselves, we look, first and foremost, for someone or something to blame. Sometimes, there is no one to blame or maybe the finger is pointing right back at us but we can't see it.

Some examples of actual events just in my area are:

Example 1: An 18 year-old male steals a car, drives it wrecklessly through the city, narrowly avoiding major accidents. He is chased by the police for miles. The police are obviously trying to pull him over and after he almost kills someone innocent by ramming into their home, the police shoot at the man's tires. This causes the man to lose control of the car & hit an obstacle himself, killing him immediately. It is unfortunate that he was killed, yes, but he almost killed many innocent people in the process and the police were trying to prevent that from happening. He got killed in the meantime. The parents of this 18 year old are suing because they say the police used unnecessary force & killed their son without need. Yes, it is sad, and I feel for the family, but they need to realize this man was an adult (barely) but an adult who committed grand theft auto and was endangering many lives. Therefore, I am disgusted at the fact they are trying to sue.

Example 2: An elderly woman crosses the street. A police officer, driving the speed limit swerves to try to miss her but hits her & kills her instantly. This is, of course, very unfortunate. However, after a very thorough investigation, including witness interviews, it is determined without a doubt that the woman stepped out in traffic without looking and not within a crosswalk. The witnesses also say the officer saw her almost immediately and took every precaution possible to avoid hitting her but was unable to prevent it. The investigation concluded that it was pedestrian error that caused this death. However, the family, once again, even after the investigation, plans to sue because they feel it was the officer's fault.

These are just two examples but I could really go on and on. This happens constantly in politics, especially. It also happens in the private sector and in the medical field. The list could go on and on. Things like this happen daily and I find it very frustrating.

People have become much more greedy and don't even attempt to think of the other side of the story. Not only that but bad things happen to good people. We should have learned this by now. People are imperfect and make mistakes and there are consequences associated with those mistakes. Sometimes bad things happen that can't be prevented at all. When are we going to stop whining about whose fault everything is and just stand up and take responsibility for our own actions and then try to fix them?

Just for the sake of fun...

2006-01-21T17:56:00.000-08:00

I took some of these pictures of me while being bored tonight & playing with my camera & photo editor. I thought they turned out kind of cool so I thought I would share them with you. Enjoy!

Missing you today...

2006-01-20T09:23:00.000-08:00

You were always there when things got rough. You always listened and offered your friendship. I miss you terribly, and for some reason, moreso today. Please know you always were and always will be loved. I miss you.

Thought to Ponder...

2006-01-18T19:33:00.000-08:00

What isn't there is just as important as what is. That's what someone once told me. At first glance, I did not really absorb that statement. I didn't give it much thought, but after reflecting upon it, I think it might be true...at least partially so.

Take art for instance. A subject matter is only as good as its surroundings. The negative space compliments the positive space and vice versa. If you take a picture of a beautiful person but there is too much in the background, the picture doesn't have the same effect as it would if there were a nice, neutral background.

So does that also apply to our qualities as beings? If a person possesses inner beauty but not outer beauty, regardless of society's standards, do we notice the inner beauty more because the outer beauty is not there? And what about a person who possesses patience but not good judgment. We notice both. We especially notice people's negative qualities...it seems like we notice them more or are more quick to point them out at least. When we have little or no money, it becomes a lot more important than it does when we do have it...when it is there.

We are driven by needs but also by wants. We want to acquire things that are not there because we feel they will make us happy. We spend most of our lives working and working so that we can obtain more and more. Maybe we should focus a little more on what we already have and be grateful for that. Or is it just in our nature to aspire to more...to want what is not there too?

I guess there is a lot of truth to what was once said. What isn't there is often just as important as what is...at least it seems that way to me.

Just one little pill to make it all go away?

2006-01-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

This morning, as I was attempting to awaken from a deep night's slumber, I caught something interesting in the news. It was an article discussing a possible new pill to erase bad memories. Scientists feel that memories as a result of traumatic stress are stored differently than normal, regular memories (due to brain chemistry). They think this pill could possibly cure Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) by deliberately triggering the "bad" memory then giving the pill which would lessen the severity & clarity of the traumatic memory.

My thoughts on this are mixed and I am sure they will be until this magic little pill undergoes more testing.

I guess my question is, if offered, would you take this pill?

At first, it seems very tempting, a magic little pill to wipe it all away & "make it all better". But, as I consider it further, I wonder exactly how it lessens the severity of the memories. I have some traumatic memories myself and it seems great.

Up to this point in my life, everything I have done or experienced has helped mold me into the person I am. That means the good with the bad. Even the bad experiences and traumatic ones have influenced my future behaviors and continue to do so. So, since we are a culmination of our experiences in the past, good and bad alike, would "numbing" the memories contribute to sudden changes in our current behaviors since things that have influenced our thoughts for so long are now much different?

To show you what I mean by this, take this example. Let's say someone was driving drunk and hit & killed an innocent person. For years now they have suffered regret & nightmares over the incident, spurring sincere remorse. Let's say they now take the pill, and part of the memory is not as bad now...or maybe they don't remember every detail. Would that lessen their remorse & regret? And if so, is that necessarily a good thing?

What do you think?

The Cold Wind

2006-01-13T21:04:00.000-08:00

Just inside I hear it...my laughter fades...and I hear it outside...it's coming...
The whistling winds...the pelting of normally precious raindrops...and I try to ignore it...
But I feel it...again...the sorrow of the world...sneaking into my soul...uninvited...

Like water, it pours in...filling me with dread...
I try to fight it, but it pushes its way in...tearing me up inside as it does...

Just before, my heart soared...flying like an eagle through the clouds, without a care below
And, now, without warning...without reason near or far, my beautiful bird falls from the sky...

why? you ask...I have no answer
never have...

Will it pass?
Of course...eventually

Such is the curse of a passionate soul...a wandering spirit
Its course always unknown but never stagnant

The cold wind will blow..the storm will make itself known
The blanket of snow will cover me until the sun warms my face again...

Until then I dream...deep within...

2006-01-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

Seeing him cry was a lot harder than I had remembered. It didn't happen often and I wish it would never happen again.

I have been with him for about 13 years, about 9 1/2 of which, we have been married. I have grown to love him more than I thought would ever be possible. In that time, my love has changed and evolved to the point past the usefulness of words.

It was the funeral of one of two father figures in his youth. His biological father is only a distant memory, his stepfather a horrible and tormenting memory. Both had failed him terribly, but this man, just a father of two of his best friends, took him under his wing.

His name was Terry Warlick and he meant a lot to my love. On a day after school when he was just trying to avoid the persecution he would surely face at home, this man sat and
listened, offering seasoned advice.

It was with this man's sons he learned to play football, took his first fall from a skateboard & got harassed for kissing his first girlfriend. Through thick & thin, no matter how bad things at home were, this man was always ready to take him in.

That's why it was such a shock when we found out the news. Terry Warlick had gone to his bedroom Saturday afternoon to take a nap. He had said he was feeling fine, just a little tired. A couple hours later, his son had come to visit. Knowing his father to be a light sleeper, he was surprised he didn't hear him knock. He found his father, unexpectedly dead at the age of 54.

I have cried my eyes out for this man and his family...a man who, regardless of blood, took my one true love in and comforted him, laughed with him, helped him through so much. That is a real man.

So, to Terry tonight, I send my ultimate final respects. I will do my best to look after your loved ones. I will check on them from time to time...to be sure they are moving on with life. And, I would also like to thank you so much for helping to mold my wonderful husband into the passionate, loving, caring, and helpful person that he is today.

Thank you also for reminding all of us just how short life can be and how, that within the next brief hour, it could all be pulled away without notice...how we must make each and every day count, because it could all be gone tomorrow.

May you rest in peace always, Terry. Farewell.

The Long Walk Home...

2006-01-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

Late one cold winter night a sad and lonely lady walked aimlessly down the street. Her hair was wild and knotted and her clothing showed signs of disrepair. She mumbled under her breath in ways that would make a passer-by laugh and peered around her locks at invisible monsters that existed only in her head.

But a charming young man, stylishly dressed, though not without pain himself, walked up upon the lady. He noticed her terrible condition and because of his good nature, felt pity on her soul. Knowing he could not simply pass her by without rendering her some sort of emotional comfort, he took her arm gently. It was like electricity shot through her blood when she felt his hand clasp around her arm...fulfilling a need she had not felt in a very long time. His friendship was a warm blanket, covering her shoulders from the drafty northern winds which, when they came, showed little mercy on her.

Knowing she was in an irregular state, the good man offered to walk with the lady to her home. He could smell the scent of liquor on her breath, and could see the despair in her once-bright eyes.

On the way, they talked about everything under the stars. The lady laughed. He laughed too. He listened to her, with slurred words, explain her problems and heartache. Without any concern about his own pain, he trudged on, though mudpuddles and snowpiles. No matter how bad it got, he was there for her to help her though. He listened to her like no one else had in a long time.

Almost halfway along the journey, the lady, face sunken in with despair realized what pain and inconvenience she must surely be causing the man. In a moment of doubt and conscience, she stopped, hand in hand with him, looked him in the eye and waited. She waited for the words to tell him how much she enjoyed his company and how nice of a man he was. The words didn't come out. Then she tried to tell him he did not have to help her the rest of the way home if it was bothering him, but those couldn't come out either. She was so lonely, so misdirected, so lost, that she clung to greed, and chose not to offer to set him free. She had already come to love the man for his warm friendship, compassion and company.

So they walked and walked,joked, and laughed, without a single complaint from the man. And the lady just waited for the moment when he would take his leave of her and be on his way. She prayed it would never come. And it never did.

When she was safely at her front doorstep, she thanked the man for his kindness in escorting her to safety, but she never felt she thanked him enough. She had never had anyone show such a genuine concern for her well-being. He went on his way home and the lady watched as he walked away and the void felt suddenly larger again.

But the man, like a true friend, often stopped by to visit with the lady, to see how she was, if even just to lend a shoulder. And although the visits got further and further apart, the lady knew inside that it was not they that were growing apart but that they were both growing stronger and wiser. She would still get sad and lonely from time to time, but it helped her to remember that walk, that one cold winter night.

Many years have passed and both the man and the woman have grown very old. But, no matter how busy he may be, the man still stops by from time to time & it warms her heart to see him smile. She realizes even more now, while the fire flickers in the hearth, what a truly rare gift a true friend is and what a fool she was not to have treasured the friendship more when it was right in front of her. She only hopes the man knows how much he means to her. Maybe someday he will.

Addictive Plasticity

2006-01-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

Not being in an overly social mood this evening, my husband and I were watching some television...(Yes, I know it is Saturday night & we should be out and about but we didn't feel like it.) There it was...some show about plastic surgeons.

Now, before you get the wrong idea, I realize that, in some cases plastic surgery is really a pretty necessary procedure. There are horrible car accidents, housefires, birth defects and such that scar people and make their lives very difficult. Plastic surgery often offers a reasonable option to help them lead a more "normal" life.

However, tonight, I watched as a 17-year-old girl, accompanied by her MOTHER, got breast implants. There was nothing wrong with her breasts. They were young, modest and petite, just like her body frame; about an A-cup (on a ninety-something pound girl).

But there she was, telling her surgeon about how the new breasts (and it was a C cup she was requesting), would make her look "cuter when (she) went out" and how she knew "it would make (her) happy". It broke my heart to hear these words and see her innocent face, but what really made me upset was watching her mother and her casual attitude. This was a mother trying more to be a buddy than a mom. Unacceptable.

Now, this poor girl has gone and altered her body (which I think looked much better before than after.) Nothing was discussed on this show about the possibilities of complications or back problems in the future. No risks were presented on the show at all. I am sure that they were discussed off camera but what about all the young, insecure, misguided girls out there that think this is a good alternative?

I don't really know where I am going with this other than that I am just utterly disgusted with our ridiculous standards, especially here in the United States. It's almost like since we have such an obesity epidemic (how embarrassing) that we have actually backlashed against it with extremes in the opposite direction.

At one time, lush, voluptuous (but not unhealthy or obese) women were ideal. Now, we see them as undeserving of happiness. Will we ever get to a happy medium and start seeing health as our first priority, instead of false and unrealistic expectations? I certainly hope so.

Sadness in the air...

2006-01-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

I feel a thick sadness in the air tonight...a sadness which I cannot seem to ignore, no matter how hard I try. Like a pungent odor, it lingers in its selfish aura. Perhaps it will be gone (for me) in the morning, perhaps not. I feel as though I am absorbing the heartache of so many people, all over the world.

My heart goes out to those innocent people that died in Iraq today due to our negligence. To them, I extend my deepest apologies.

My condolences go out to those families in West Virginia who feel that extra empty spot inside of themselves after losing the ones they love.

Or that mother or father out there who has just received word that their son or daughter was killed in Iraq or Afghanistan.

Even that mother in Africa, whose otherwise healthy and promising 25 year old son has just died from AIDS.

I think sometimes that I feel too much for others...which in turn causes me to feel too much as just one person. I know there is nothing I can do to change this suffering in the world...nothing more than voicing my opinion, voting, standing up for what is right. But sometimes, it just feels overwhelming.

So, to any of you out there that might be suffering tonight, I am feeling your sorrow and I want to send you my warmest love and thoughts. May we all have a better tomorrow.

Hands...

2005-12-31T09:35:00.000-08:00

"Let me take a picture of your hands" the young girl begged.

"No way, kid! Why would anyone want a picture of my old, wrinkly hands anyway," she exclaimed, laughing and shaking her head.

"Because, they are beautiful," said the young girl. Silence filled the space between them. The old lady's face turned from amusement to bewilderment.

"Beautiful? They are not beautiful. They are old, wrinkly, pale, and...well, just plain old" she argued stubbornly. But the young girl simply laughed quietly, and shook her head at the old lady, smiling.

"They are beautiful because they are your hands and no one elses. Within their wrinkles and creases, there are many stories.

Since you were formed in your mother's womb, your hands have been your guides for the world. They helped you feel your way around while you grew inside your mother, warm and nestled.

Later, they grasped your mother's breast as you fed. Upon these hands you crawled across the living room floor to the loving embrace of your father while listening to the joyful cheers of your mother. These hands spent many hours inside your mouth, comforting you as your teeth came in.

These hands got scraped and gnarled as you climbed that tree in your back yard and waved at the milkman passing by. Or, remember that time you fell off your bike and scraped your knee? Without your hands, it would have been your face that you scraped.

Because you learned to count, you can also thank these hands for tutoring you tirelessly and endlessly. These hands felt the sweaty anxiety of that first little boy who wanted to hold them at the movie theater, and the passion of many clumsy teenage boys.

It was in these hands that you first held your children, in awe of their miraculous beauty. It was your hands that combed their hair, brushed their teeth and held them lovingly when they cried. With these hands you wiped away the tears and made it all better.

Years later, these hands cared for your ailing mother, showering her with tender loving care in her last few years. With these hands you helped the poor, giving them much needed blankets, clothing and food at the shelter.

Your hands gave many a lonely person a reason to smile when you graced them with a simple wave when no one else would.

You see, your hands are beautiful, because they tell a story. A story that so many of us seem to forget so easily. A story of giving and nurturing and loving that would not have been as possible if it had not been for these hands."

The old lady raised her head and the young girl could see a tear trickling down her face.

"Here," said the old lady as she held her hands out, "I am ready for you to take that picture now."

A recent Venus sketch of mine...

2005-12-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

(charcoal on paper)...I particularly love the scribbles & the intense contrast of the white & black automatically embraced through the use of charcoal. :)

Trees in Winter...

2005-12-18T14:11:00.000-08:00

Someone was complaining about winter-time and how the trees lose their leaves. She said it made her feel sad and dreary to look outside and see the bare and naked trees, dressed only in ice. I listened to her complain and watched her stare out the window, her chin in her hands until I could almost feel her sorrow.

I went down and sat across from her at the table, grabbed a cup and poured myself some of the coffee she had made for us. I joined her in gazing through the cold, protective glass of the window, then thought about how I could help her appreciate this season more.

"The trees are very beautiful, healthy, and lush in the spring and summer. Greens, browns, yellows, so many colors..." I started. She nodded in agreement but continued to gaze longingly for spring and summer. Feeling her thoughts floating all around me in the air, I continued "But there is something absolutely captivating about winter for me..." She was suddenly snapped out of her daydream of birds perched in fruitful trees and the threat of distant rainshowers above.

"You see, while the trees are gorgeous and new and lively in the spring, we can't ever really see the beautiful lines and shapes of their branches. When winter is here and they are all bare, the branches get a chance to show us their beauty." She looked at me as though this was a refreshing taste of positivity for her soul. Then she turned and looked again at the tree outside the window as if to look at it in a brand new way. "Don't you just love the shape of that branch right there? And just look at the contrast of the dark bark and the white ice on that one." I exclaimed in sincere appreciation.

After a moment of us sharing in the beauty of the trees, she turned to me, took a sip of her coffee, and simply smiled. I smiled back and knew I had turned her day around even if just a bit.

2005-12-15T18:05:00.000-08:00

I ran across this on a friend's blog as a link. It's this website this guy made in which you can type in whatever message you want to say and it will appear on a "church sign". You can then save the church sign (As I did in my attached photo) and have even more fun with it.
Here's the link so go have fun! http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/

The Venus...

2005-12-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

Her name was Rose & the stars lived in her eyes. Bouncy blonde corskrew curls danced around her jawline and her figure seemed to lure in more gentlemen callers than she could handle. She was a woman of the twenties, rebelling against the cold & rigid Victorian standards that kept her mother so strict. She loved life & could sometimes be seen at a local jazz club, dancing the night away. One day, while on a walk with her jazz-musician boyfriend, Rose stopped at a shop window suddenly at the sight of a beautiful sculpture. Luscious and lusty; a Venus intrigued her. She begged her boyfriend to buy it for her but he declined as it was "too racy, baby". But, in the spirit of her own rebellious nature, she reached beneath her silky skirt and pulled out a roll of bills from a lacy red garter.

Ten minutes later, stumbling as he struggled to carry the heavy Venus, the young man placed her on a pedestal at the request of the insistent Rose, who immediately clapped with delight, and smiled with anticipation of the years that she would share with the Venus. From that day forward, not a day went by when the Venus was not given at least an appreciative glance. Rose dusted her daily, and even polished her up once in awhile, but never failed to notice her.

At night, when the wind blew its threatening chill and the streets were filled with those of questionable character, Rose simply curled on the couch, turned on the radio and watched the still beauty of the Venus from across the room. The Venus was very happy and felt very loved. The years came and went and not a day was sad for the Venus because she always felt loved. Wars came and went, lovers, and eventually a husband, and later the energy of young children. The Venus watched in contenting silence. The parties with whimsical well-wishers, drunken relatives, and the grubby hands of children came and went and gave the Venus filled her days with joy for years.

But one winter, when the woman had grown old, family members gathered at her bedside to say goodbyes. The inevitable happened and the one-young and vivacious woman died. The Venus was left standing, in the same corner for weeks, untouched for the first time in over fifty years. Dust gathered, and she began to feel forgotten. With no more parties or charming people coming and going and admiring her beauty, she began to feely lonely. The Venus was sad for the first time in her life.

But there was hope one day when a spry and poignant young woman with curly blonde hair came to the house to gather Rose's possessions. She was dressed sharply in a black pin-striped suit and sensible heels. The lady was Rose's granddaughter. Her face was very serious and concerned and she constantly referred to her wristwatch as if she were in a hurry. On her way out of the house, she found the Venus, dusty and forgotten in the corner. The Venus was very excited that she may be loved once again. On the ride to the woman's house, The Venus was wrapped in blanket and placed in the trunk. "It will be worth the ride once I get there," the Venus thought. She daydreamed about the possibility of more parties at the new house where men would admire her and children would peer curiously on tipped toes. She could be happy again.

When she got to her destination, The Venus' excitement climaxed as the young woman brought her through the front door. The Venus could see the marvelous house with plenty of room for her to be displayed & for magnificent parties. However, her excitement started to wane as the young woman grumbled and moaned while she carried the Venus to an isolated back corner of the house. In a corner of a long-neglected room, the woman set the Venus, facing against the wall. The carpet was old, stained, and sticky, and the walls were smudged with fingerprints, grease and oil. At first, the Venus felt panicked that she would not be able to see anything in the room, much less the rest of the house, but she tried to keep a positive attitude. The woman left the room and the Venus knew for sure she would come back after finding the perfect spot for her. Again, the Venus began to daydream about cocktail parties, dance music, and the admiration of young men.

Every day, she listened at the sounds of life and love...Far at the other end of the house. She could hear children laughing & playing, the young woman playing with her lover and the wind blowing outside the window, but she could see none of it. She was still facing the wall. But she kept her chin up and knew that the lady would return to take her to her pedestal where she would feel loved and admired. But the seasons changed and summer turned into fall...fall into winter and into spring which eventually turned into summer once again. The world saw many things, even more war. The children's voices got louder and deeper and months turned into years. The Venus became very sad & lonely and had the wall as her only friend. Someday, she thought...Someday someone will find me and love me again...Someday I will watch the young lovers dance across the floor, listen to the music playing for all those young at heart. Someday I will feel the prying hands of young children and the breath of snooping old ladies. some day this loneliness will pass...

(This drawing is my work)

Warm Friendship...

2005-12-03T10:23:00.000-08:00

We used to walk down the street…
Peering longingly into shops that we passed…
Wishing we were the richest women in the world so that we could buy it all…
She always laughed at my jokes and told me stories of days I never knew…
The silver in her hair, the lines of knowledge and experience upon her face…
She contains so much…so much knowledge, wisdom, experience, and pain too…
We have laughed, we have cried, but most of all we have grown…together…

To her, to that very special friend of mine…I want her to know on her birthday that
She is so much more to me than she thinks…
She has given me so many wonderful gifts, wrapped caringly in her love…
Her warm and welcoming hugs have fueled my endurance
And her advice, poured out generously has built my immunity against those who would hurt me…

She needs to know that I cherish her friendship, her mentorship, but most of all she needs to know that she is so much more than just a grandmother to me...

A Warrior Within

2005-11-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

"The path of the Warrior is lifelong, and mastery is often simply staying on the path."- Richard Strozzi Heckler

I tried to escape it
Tried to leave it all behind
Thought it was a path of violence
The memories in my mind

So I sought the peaceful path
Buddha calmed me
Christ inspired me
One extreme to another
The natural process
We always find a medium
In between the two

Peace and love I give
Without hesitation
But anger returns
Rises and rages

That’s how I know
I am a warrior within
Towards myself
Towards the world
Towards any with ill will

I have found my truth
No more pretense
This is who I am
What I am
It will never fade
I am and always will be a warrior within

Stitching The Darkness...

2005-11-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

Why is it that sometimes it feels good to feel bad? Some of us feel too much. Some of us feel bad too much, and for no good reason. More importantly though is why some of us who feel bad too much grow to become too attached to that "bad" side....to the point of morphing into some new breed of human....with the masochistic darkness stitched into our bleeding souls becoming an inseparable part of us. They call us "a little distant", "a little off", a little "eccentric"...Are we destined to struggle pointlessly through life, only to find once it is over that we wasted most of it bathing sinfully in the sludge of our own demise?

"Take this pill" and you will feel "normal", they tell us. We take the little pill to make them happy, to continue on as productive members of society, wearing that fake smile, driving the all-so-fitting SUV to work in the little grey cubicles with "only one personal item allowed". Just so the machine can keep turning, bringing in more money to buy more oil from the Arabs to drive our SUV's and to continue the mad cycle of existence.

So maybe the pain is an escape from that mundane existence, that rat race, hamster wheel we call "success". The pain is all yours, something you own. Maybe that's why it sometimes feels so good to feel so bad, because we actually know at that point that we are FEELING and are ALIVE to be ABLE to feel at all. Not just some plastic doll going through the motions at the gym, the golf course, the cubicle, and the soccer practice.

Maybe we aren't so far from normal to begin with. Maybe its our normalcy we actually seek through our pain and suffering that reminds us we are still alive.

On that note, I leave you with one of my favorite songs...by Garbage:

I’m only happy when it rains
I’m only happy when it’s complicated
And though I know you can’t appreciate it
I’m only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad
I’m only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me

I’m only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I’m only happy when it rains
I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn’t accidentally tell you that
I’m only happy when it rains
You’ll get the message by the time I’m through
When I complain about me and you
I’m only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down...
Pour your misery down on me...
pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me...

You can keep me company
As long as you don’t care
I’m only happy when it rains
You want to hear about my new obsession
I’m riding high upon a deep depression
I’m only happy when it rains...
pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains....
pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...
pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...
pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...
pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me

Is that a snake in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

2005-11-17T09:44:00.000-08:00

This snake was found near the small town of Fritch, Texas (not far at all from me). It was close to 9 feet long and weighed in at 97 pounds. I shiver when I think of being bit by this thing..

Dosage of comedy

2005-11-16T19:52:00.000-08:00

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42609 Trust me, it's worth it.

Sunday Morning Perversions...

2005-11-13T09:02:00.000-08:00

Little old ladies, believing fully in the words of this faulty man, dig deeply into their shallow purses. Sacrifices are made…instead of getting her refill of her prescription medication, she feels God will provide because she gave that up to “him” as a tithe. Others, who have nothing to give, go home, heads hanging low, hearts dulled because they feel they are cheating God. And the pastor, equipped in his suspiciously Armani “Sunday Best” slips into his $40,000 SUV and drives his family to the most expensive restaurant in town for a carefree afternoon.

I was disgusted this morning while flipping through the local television stations. It became apparent right away that it is the end of the month & quotas must be met! I am speaking, of course, of church funding quotas. It’s not tithing itself that necessarily gets me going. It’s the blatantly obvious begging of these already more-than-well-off pastors and preachers & their pathetic groveling for more money. EVERY SINGLE televised local church service gave sermons on tithing more and making more sacrifices. One southern Baptist preacher basically pleaded, throwing around statements like “Do you know how much an electric bill for a church this big is?”, instilling guilt in the hearts of the masses. Interesting, however, that just the week before the football stadium-sized “church” had purchased & installed a 40 foot electric light alongside the road. Also interesting how the pastor has been able to afford to get hair follicle transplants for his balding head. But I guess what matters is the money these days and if you aren’t giving more then you are not a Christian. And what would they do with this money? Well, they put up a sign. A sign that apparently shows their “commitment to God”. Hmmm.

So, as the homeless rate surges & people are starving on the streets just outside of the church complex, signs, expensive SUV’s, and golden candlesticks are pertinent in “doing God’s will”. So, those that can afford to give a little on their tithe, come out of church, get in their SUV’s and lock the doors before those “vagrants of society” can get them! After all, they could have a disease or want some money or food or maybe they just want to be acknowledged as human beings. We couldn’t have that now, could we? After all, the post-church “high” is such a good feeling you wouldn’t want to crash it by actually DOING something that Christ would have done, would you?

I give food to the poor, blankets, and even just a genuine human smile. But, oh…..silly me. I guess I am going to hell & I am the devil because I don’t fall for the ridiculous & pathetic antics of a “talented actor” on stage behaving more like a used car salesman than a so-called “Christian”. But, who am I kidding? I guess that no one is really interested in ACTING upon the basics of Christ’s ACTUAL teachings and actions (what Christianity is supposedly about). There’s no profit in that.

Veterans Day, 2005

2005-11-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

He hobbles down the street, bogged down with a stained ruck sack, his grungy long hair in a greasy bandana. It makes you uncomfortable to look at him too long. He knows this and just nods. "Bum", many call him, "loser", some others, but before you cast any more stones, do you know his story?

Do you know why he walks the streets? Is it the distant but vivid echoes of gunfire, artillery, and the incessant screaming of his fellow comrades in unimaginable pain? Is it the ghosts of the men whose lives he was forced to take in the name of survival? He hurts constantly and his heart is still in the muggy jungles of Viet Nam, something most of us will never have to endure.

As he sits on the curb, cars whiz past, splashing dirty water upon him. He welcomes it. His pants are torn & dirty, his feet tired & his face very weathered. A stray dog sits beside him, a single, loyal friend in his miserable world. He wanders the streets, asking for nothing from anyone, surviving on scraps & the concrete shelters of overpasses. He makes it day to day through the torment within himself.

Regardless your feelings on war or Iraq or politics, please take the time to think about those citizens that have made sacrifices, voluntarily, or involuntarily, mentally, or physically, or with their entire lives.

We may not all agree on the "causes" or the politics involved behind wars of the past or our current war, but one thing we need to remember is the real flesh-and-bones people that get caught up in the midst of our government's decisions. Some agree with and others disagree with their situations, but either way, they are still doing their jobs, and trying to bring some sort of good into those situations.

I was a lucky one. I did my time, and was freed, mostly unharmed and unblemished. But many are not so lucky. Regardless of the level of their hardships, I salute all my fellow veterans for doing your jobs, and believing in the good that can come out of any conflict.

Happy Veterans Day to all and thank you.

One last erotic sketch

2005-11-06T17:50:00.000-08:00

Fiscal Virginity

2005-10-30T21:19:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't normally have thought much about it except that I was already in a deep, reflective mood today. Maybe it was because of Halloween steadily approaching, but who knows. They came over to visit and plopped themselves down on the couch with raw teenage energy.

Dressed in matching blue jeans & white cotton shirts my 17 year-old twin nephews told proudly of their new jobs. They complete each others' sentences and are completely inseparable. They are identical in every way except for personality. One is jovial, easy-going and quiet...The other loud, serious, and stern but they care deeply for each other.

As I listened to them tell me of their recent accomplishment in finding these new jobs that would pay them what seems like a fortune to their uncorrupted minds, my mind wandered.

I watched them, bright eyes, eager spirits talk about their newfound "riches" and it hit me. This was a moment when they had lost their fiscal virginity. It was kind of sad to me to know that up until today, they really had not wasted any time worrying about money or how to get more of it. As long as there was food on the table, it didn't matter where the money came from because it was just always there.

It seems all we do as adult human beings is worry about money, how to get more of it and how to make ends meet. This was something they had not had to deal with until now. While they are still warm in the nest, they have now got their hands on cold, hard cash and once you feel it, and feel what it can do for you, it changes everything. All we do from that moment on is try to get more of it. Then, when they leave the nest, they will worry about paying rent, buying groceries, having fun, and keeping it all in balance while trying to find more money. The cycle just continues until they die unless, of course they are fortunate enough to win the lottery which is unlikely.

I guess I just felt sad for them....sad for innocence lost...sad that they will not understand that moment for a very long time. I guess I never really realized my moment of lost virginity to the almighty dollar until this moment today. I guess we all go through it. They will be caught up in hunting for more money until the day they die...like all of us seem to be doing even if just to simply survive.

The hypocritical bar conversation...

2005-10-30T07:36:00.000-08:00

So I met my brother to have a drink the other night. He called & seemed kind of down like he needed some company, so I decided to lend him my ear. He told me to meet him at this quaint & classy little bar downtown.

I arrived before him and had time to appreciate the beautifully lit aquariums outside the bar & the fountains on the wall inside of it. I sat down at the bar and ordered a glass of Reisling (my favorite white wine) and this well-dressed but suspiciously handsome man, about in his forties sat next to me and asked the bartender for a drink. Conversation commenced.

After a few obligatory weather references and current event comments, he began complaining about his "ex"-wife and how he did not ever want to marry again because of all the problems with marriage. I listened, annoyed a bit, but listened as he rambled, cursed & complained. Then, feeling the atmosphere was right to interject my opinion, I said "yes, and we don't want to let two consenting, loving adults get married because they happen to be gay. And the reason we use is "the sanctity of marriage", because straight people have that down soooo well."

Took a bit aback he shook his head while he sloshed down more redneck beer and responded, "What they are doing is wrong & they should not be allowed to do it. They are sinners." Then he took a look around the bar at all the scantily clad women and looked back at me and winked. Then he got up from his seat, leaned over and whispered in my ear that it was nice to meet me but now he had to go "get some of that" and began to trail some women that looked more like expensive hookers.

My blood boiled & I watched him as he tried to make his moves on a tall, skinny blonde. Then my brother showed up and sat down next to me. Turns out, he knew the guy that was talking to me at the bar & apparently that guy is married. The plot thickens, I thought as I devised an evil plan.

I continued while my brother & I talked casually, to watch the married man making his moves on yet another young lady. Turned down by both, I thought it was time to put my plan in action. I meandered over to him and whispered in his ear "So let me get this straight. It's wrong for two people to get married when they are in LOVE but it is perfectly ok for you to go cheating on your wife because you are straight. Sanctity of marriage my @$$!"

His jaw dropped and he wondered how I knew he was married. "My brother says hi," and I pointed in his direction. Not another word came out of that man's mouth & he ended up leavin the bar "empty handed" shortly thereafter. Mission accomplished & point made....at least to him maybe.

Another erotic sketch of mine...

2005-10-29T15:21:00.000-07:00

Another of my sketches....I hope you enjoy her....I know I do...

A recent sketch of mine...

2005-10-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

Just thought I would post a recent sketch of mine....hope you enjoy....

You did a good thing, Rosa Parks....Rest peacefully.

2005-10-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

One of my heroes & Civil Rights icon Rosa Parks has passed into her next chapter of existence, beyond the thing we call Earth. So, I want to take the time to honor her for her bravery, and remember her for her honorable defiance & courage in the face of such a shameful time in American history.

Thank you, Rosa Parks, for refusing to comply with ridiculous requirements that one special day on that bus. Thank you for sparking rebellion against the unjust authority. You have earned your karma & will receive your rewards in that place they call heaven. May you watch over our actions from your new home above & rest peacefully, knowing that you are a big reason why our nation wiped its dreary eyes & woke up to a serious mistreating of fellow humans.

May we, as Americans remember our past & prevent making the same mistake again.

Zen Quotes for your journey today...

2005-10-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

"Teachers open the door but you must enter by yourself." CHINESE PROVERB

"Do not mutter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small." EIGHTH PRECEPT OF THE ORDER OF INTERBEING

"We sit together, the mountain and me, until only the mountain remains." LI PO

"We need to become a pen in the Sun's hand. We need for the Earth to sing through our pores and eyes." HAFIZ

"All living beings are intrinsically enlightened as to the meaning of life and death; they are perfectly endowed with the wisdom and compassion of the Awakened Ones." THE BUDDHA

"The one thing essential now is to recollect your mind to attain the fundamental, the very root of your being. Having arrived at the root, you need have no worry about the accidentals." KUEI-SHAN LING-YI

"When walking, just walk, when sitting, just sit, above all, don't wobble." UMON

Geocaching

2005-10-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight, my husband and I started our new "hobby". We had decided we needed something more to keep us busy, especially around here. So, we decided to try geocaching. We did a lot of land navigation when we were both in the Army. It is the same thing, basically, except instead of cool little gadgets & such at the point, you usually just had more work to do when you found the point! So this is pretty fun. We found our first site with no problems at all and it had some really neat stuff there to look through.

So, to make a long story short, get off your couch & go to this site and see what it is all about. You might enjoy it!!!

http://www.geocaching.com

Oh, That!!!

2005-10-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

Thanks to a fellow blogger at http://actioniseloquence.blogspot.com, I found a really sad but true statement about our blind faith in the media, flaws in our watchfullness as people, and how screwed up our current situations (*plural) are around the world. You must see this.

http://www.markfiore.com/animation/that.html

Nice to meet you, Grandpa...

2005-10-21T14:52:00.000-07:00

I have never met my grandpa (maternal side). He passed away in the late sixties before I was born. All I really know about him is that he served in WWII & was a pretty good father to my mom, when she was actually able to be around him (due to a bitter divorce).

Through the years, I have only seen one picture of him. It is faded and worn and is of him in his military uniform from the war. Leaning up against a white picket fence, arms crossed, smiling. He looks young, mischievous, vibrant & charming. And of course, atop his head he wears his hat, cocked a little to the side, like they all did back then.

So last night, in my dreams, I was quite surprised to find myself sitting in a football arena, for some strange reason, all alone in the stands. I sat there alone for quite awhile until I felt a presence to my right. I looked over and saw a man walking toward me with his hand in his pocket, smiling gently. All I remember from then on in this dream is he walks slowly toward me, and takes a seat right next to me in the arena. I smile at him & he smiles back. "Good to meet you," I say, somehow completely aware he is my grandfather, although he is much older than the one picture I have seen. He smiles.

I woke up, and sat up in my bed, the dream feeling very real as only certain dreams usually do to me. I went back to sleep but I thought about him all day until I decided to call my mom and tell her about my dream. I told her exactly what I told you, except I noticed after I finished she had grown completely silent. "Mom, you there?," I asked. With a shaky voice, on the verge of tears, she uttered "He always had his hand in his pocket."

So, all afternoon now, I have felt his presence, but I don't know what it means. All this time, I have never dreamt of him. My mother rarely mentions him, and I have only seen one picture of him. Now, he decides to show up and I wonder what it means.

Regardless of what it means, I now feel better about things, just knowing he is around, apparently watching after me....And that feels great. So, thanks, grandpa for stopping in. It was nice to meet you.

Pull out? Support the troops?

2005-10-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

Someone said that we, the United States, need to pull out of Iraq immediately. It's difficult for me to disagree with them, emotionally, as the death toll just for the Americans alone steadily climbs above 2000. Not to mention that I lost a good comrade through this mess, and one of my nephews was injured severely by a roadside bomb.

However, I have to think rationally about this; turn off the emotion. Regardless of what your views of the war are, there is no way we can ethically pull out right now. I disagreed with the reasons we were given for going to Iraq as well as the timing. I feel that we, as American people were misled into this war, and that our administration also was misled and didn't take the time to weight the evidence of WMD. (pretty sad you know exactly what that stands for now, isn't it?)

Yes, I am glad that a horrible dictator is out of control and being brought to justice. I am happy for the Iraqi people having even the slightest chance of leading a better life, but sometimes with endless bombings all around them, it seems as though the Iraqi people are worse off now than before. And that is not to blame our troops. Our troops are doing everything they can and most of them truly care about trying to make things better.

But, regardless of if we were wrong or right about this war (and I think we were wrong from day 1), it is now our responsibility as human beings, not necessarily just as Americans, to ensure that we at least restore some sense of stability to the area. We can't just go in, destroy the country and leave it to waste & ruin. There are human beings there that are innocent & deserve better than that & it is just plain wrong! That would be like going into someone's home, uninvited, ramsacking it in the excuse that we are confescating some illegal drug and then just leaving them, without cleaning up the mess or helping them find a better way to deal with life.

So the question then becomes, will the suicide bombers and insurgencies ever stop or slow down enough to get a handle on the situation so that we can restore peace, a democratic government and leave Iraq properly and respectfully?

The problem is that I don't know the answer, and I don't think our administration knows the answer either. And that scares me. I think we jumped into this thing head-on without a proper plan. So what can we do to save it? I really don't know.

Our troops are doing the best they can with what they have and what they have isn't enough. The government says they support the troops and everyone drives around with their little yellow ribbon car magnets but supporting the troops goes a lot further than words from a politician or car-magnets. Proper equipment, proper plan, armor, stop cutting Veterans Administration healthcare funding.....all of these are critical.

I really hope our elected officials can fix this and get us out of Iraq the correct, proper, and admirable way.

Farewell, Delhi Palace!

2005-10-18T11:54:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it. Today, my husband and I went to have lunch at our "cultural refuge" here in town. It is THE ONLY Indian food restaurant & one of just a handfuls of cultural venues in this one-track town of big fancy chain restaurants, hamburgers & French fries as far as the eye can see.

On the drive, I dreamt (in the passenger's seat, mind you) of mango lassi, and debated between curry or masala of some sort. Just as my palette was beginning to water & anticipate the experience, I heard my husband gasp as he pulled into the parking space of the restaurant.

I looked up at the front door, and much to my dismay, I saw a "CLOSED" sign hanging from the door. In disbelief, we got out of the car & staggered like misled sheep up to the door. Our friend, the owner, walked out as he saw us. He was wearing a day-old beard that told of a heartbreaking decision, and a sloppy sweatshirt, completely out of character for him. His head in disappointment and his big brown eyes were full of disappointment. He shook his head & shrugged his shoulders as he informed us of his restaurant's failure.

"Not enough customers," he mumbled as if he had already had a few drinks at 12 pm. "I am out of business." He finished as he looked away from us, tears welling in his eyes. I felt my heart sink and I looked to my husband for strength but he was biting his lip, staring down at the crack in the cement.

We had gone at least once a week every week since they had opened to help support them. Their food was DELICIOUS & the restaurant, while quaint and quiet, was very clean & inviting. We always found it a refreshing reminder of the wonderful world outside of this extremely closed-minded town. We had noticed no growth in their clientele but also no slacking, and we had tried our best to spread the word of their magnificent service & menu around town. But, I guess, to people in oversized SUV's who, when the term "Indian Food" is mentioned spurt things like, "What? You mean Injuns?", well, what can you expect?

With a hug & handshake, we wished he & his family better ventures & thanked him for endless escapes he provided us from the "fried chicken & Mashed potatoes fantasies" of the masses here. So, since we were now limited on time, we went to.......Sonic....And ate a hamburger. Yes, they are tasty from time to time but I couldn't even finish it. I just felt so badly for our friend & his honest family, trying so hard to make things work in this foreign land of America.

So, to you, our friend, we will miss you. We wish you and your family the very best & we are sorry that so few people in this completely self-centered town took the time to stop stuffing their faces at the "China buffet" long enough to delve into some culture. Farewell, Delhi Palace.

In the meantime, I guess we will be buying an Indian Food cookbook & giving it a shot.

...Oh, and 1 Happy Meal...to go...

2005-10-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

He wouldn't strike you as the type. Shaggy brown hair, somewhat tussled & tangled with a hint of grey peaking through. Nicely dressed with a crisp, clean shirt, and dark blue jeans accentuating his tall, skinny frame. A hard-working plumber by day, something else by night...

He eats alone. The steak and mashed potatoes combo can be guaranteed ready almost nightly when his shiny red pickup pulls into the parking lot. Late at night, he finds his feast, beneath the flickering of multiple neon beer signs. The waitresses walk back and forth, sassing their youthful hips and yes, he notices.

He is a bachelor, a loner, and knows what he really wants. He has tried the marriage thing, and, let's just say it just hasn't worked. "Women", he says "only seem to want the money and attention but rarely want to go the long haul."

I met him for a drink tonight, you see. As we were talking under the smoky haze of the dim barroom lighting, he told me of his most recent catch. With adrenaline on the sidelines, waiting for the call, he reaches beside him on the booth and pulls out a stack of bulging Manila folders...Documents competing to spill out of the sides.

"This one," he says as he points to the mugshot of a hefty Hispanic man wearing a grimace, "This one was a tough one. I pulled up to his house and asked to see him and his girlfriend, pregnant and smoking a cigarette, told me he was not home" My interest grew as he continued. "I knew better," he said. "They always lie. So I went up to the door and saw him hiding behind it. That's when all hell broke lose..."

You see, this man is a bounty hunter. He conspicuously collects people who get bailed out of jail but fail to meet the agreement terms set forth or pay the associated fees. At first, I wasn't sure if this was legal, but that last time I tried to clarify that, he pulled out more documents, and showed me the "ins & outs" of the law.

I have enjoyed listening to his many stories; I have done it upon many occasions. I also worry about him. It's a very dangerous job and he is my brother. He is constantly on the prowl, hunting down less-than-honorable people.

But, what I found more interesting than his hunt itself is the courtesy he always extends to these people. It is simple but eloquent and somewhat laughable but he always offers them food on the way to returning them to a cold, damp cell.

He takes them into a fast-food restaurant, or at least through the drive-thru, handcuffed and all. McDonald's, he says, is always his first choice & he prefers to buy them a happy meal. He says it is because he makes a lot of money off of them and as long as they don't give him a big fight, he figures if he extends this courtesy, perhaps they will not be "after him" when they get back out on the streets.

Smart, I thought, when he first told me of this. McDonald's drive thru. Yes, and he BUYS them a Happy Meal. All as a courtesy and a "thank you for not trying to kill me" gesture.

He says that, so far, it seems to work. Most people that he has "arrested" and has done this for, come up to him on the streets and actually shake his hand and treat him well.

So, I guess that makes me not worry quite so much about him. As long as he can get them to McDonald's before they shoot him, the Happy Meal might just do the trick.

**picture taken from www.mcdonalds.com

Haiku Friday

2005-10-14T19:22:00.000-07:00

Sexuality

Fluid, natural, tainted

Mind, Spirit, Body

Little Known Facts

2005-10-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

I feel worn out today. It is most likely because I have had several tests this week and a project due. They are over now, at least for this week, so I will get some rest & be ready to post something more interesting soon.

However, I don't want to leave you empty-handed because what kind of a blogger would I be if I did that?

So, here are some little-known facts I found while perusing the internet this afternoon. I am not sure of their accuracy but....oh well.??? I guess I didn't take the time to research them...shame on me! So, feel free to do so yourself & let me know if any of them are erroneous.

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
name of the Don McLean song.)

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

Hmmm...so there ya go. Have at 'em!!! (Oh, and I found them on http://www.gambino.com/funstuff/facts.htm)

Dreams...of another nature

2005-10-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

Webster's dictionary defines a dream as a series of thoughts, images, or emotions occurring during sleep. Sigmund Freud would have agreed and probably helped establish that by-the-book definition of a dream. But what about the subtle undertones of dreams...that feeling of raw reality...of inescapable palpability? For years now, I have been "blessed" or perhaps "cursed" by what most refer to as psychic or pre-cognitive dreams. Laugh if you must. At first everyone does. I don't talk much about this subject out of fear of persecution, especially in the "Praise the Lord"-laden Bible Belt where I live. However, I feel somewhat safe here (As most do on a blog, moreso that in the real world) to forego any reservations and just share reality.

Rarely do I have "gut feelings" or preminitions...probably not any more than any other somewhat intuitive person. But, in cycles, I definitely have dreams of questionable nature. At first I tried to debunk their validity myself, because even I, did not believe what I was dreaming was coming true. I would dismiss it as "impossible" or some strange, unexplained form of deja vu. But, it didn't work.

It never worked, in fact. See, I started keeping a journal & being sure to tell my husband and a close friend, at least of my every dream, a way to prove to myself and to everyone else that this was real. At first they thought I was crazy because some dreams were just what Freud and Webster's dictionary defines them as....just random thoughts, images or emotions of previous days. But, quite frequently, we all found that one by one, a week or two apart, these dreams started coming true, and in great detail. They weren't always perfectly accurate, but they were close enough to be impossible to deny.

Many have told me things like "It's just self-fulfilled prophecy" or "You are practicing witchcraft to receive these dreams". No, neither is true. The reason the second is not true is I really don't. I consider myself very spiritual, with a mostly Christian basis for my beliefs, but also incorporating (or at least trying to) elements of many beliefts such as Buddhism, Wicca and Pagan beliefs for their principles and guidelines of trying to be a better human being. The first is not true because I only told of these dreams to my husband and a very close, trustworthy friend and rarely told the actual subjects of the dreams at all. So it would be impossible for them to be self-fulfilled for that reason.

Another thing people also always try to say is that this "gift" comes from a "demon" or evil source. That is simply not true due to the nature of the dreams. You see, they are always a "warning" or sorts or a "flag" to let me know I need to check on someone or be careful to avoid something or to comfort someone.

I guess the best way to explain these things are to give you some examples. So here they are, and I will leave you with them for contemplation. These are only a few examples that occurred most recently and that are not too personal to embarrass any of the subjects of them. I can understand skepticism and respect it but I can assure you that this is true and I do not know the source. Think it all over and let me know what you think the source could be.

Example 1: Dream: I am holding a close friend of mine and comforting her as she cries. I can smell a smoldering fire and she is sobbing about the fire and how scared she was. It all feels extremely real like I am actually there. I can see her husband, standing with arms crossed, staring at the smoldering fire. The next morning, I remembered the dream when I first woke up. I told my husband about it and called these friends and asked them if they were ok. They said everything was fine and acted perfectly normal. I did not tell them about the dream, just said that I had been thinking about them and wanted them to be careful. That night, they called and told me that their car had caught on fire at the gas station, while they were filling up the tank & the fire department had to come and put it out. Luckily nothing exploded and no one was hurt but their car was burned badly enough not to be operable.

Example 2: Dream: I can see my mom and dad at my brother's house. It is dark and my brother is lying on the couch and looks very tired or sick. My mother places a yellow blanket over him and kisses him goodbye. He falls asleep. The next morning I couldn't get the dream off my mind so I called my mother to ask her if my brother was ok. She seemed a little surprised I was calling and told me they had been at his house the night before to check on him because he had the flu. She said she had fed him some soup and helped him lie back down. I then told her what I had dreamt. She, of course, doubted my validity. I asked her if she had put a yellow blanket on him and she got completely silent. I had to ask her if she was still there and she said yes, she had covered him up with a yellow blanket.

Example 3: Dream: I had just gotten out of the Army and my old platoon was on their way to Iraq. Since we were very close, I went to see them off and kept getting this nagging feeling in my stomach about one of my soldiers. I felt like she was going to come back ok but I felt like there was something about which to be concerned, but I couldn't figure it out. I went home that night and had a dream that she was sitting in the desert, on top of a humvee, in Iraq, crying and sobbing and holding her abdomen. I didn't see any blood in the dream but I knew something physical was wrong. In the dream she even said that she was coming home. But I couldn't figure out why. About a month later I found out she was back in the states. While in Iraq, she had been vomiting alot and not being able to eat. She was sent for medical treatment and was told she was pregnant. This was completely unexpected for her and not something she wanted, but she was sent back to the states, had the baby and is doing great.

Example 4: My brother had been dating a wonderful woman and we were all under the impression they were going to be getting married. As far as I knew everything was going great. But one night, only 3 weeks ago, I dreamt that they were fighting in her kitchen...not physically, just verbally arguing and that they broke up in the dream. The next morning I called my brother and asked him how he was doing. He said everything was fine and that he and his girlfriend were going out for dinner so he had to let me go. I did not tell him about the dream. Just last week, my dad told me that they broke up. I called my brother and offered him my support. He told me they had been arguing a lot and when he was over at her house last week, helping her cook dinner that she had decided to end the relationship. Then I told him about the dream.

So, take it as you will. I don't know where it comes from but I can assure you it is real. Any thoughts?

**photo is not my work...is Art by Nescaya and can be found at www.thunderpeople.com

Lover

2005-10-09T14:26:00.000-07:00

Sturdy elbows, ankles, toes...

Lusty lips, and noble nose...

Fingertips of silken touch...

I love to feel him, oh so much.

Empathetic Pathetic

2005-10-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

For some reason I needed comfort tonight....comfort, like a
warm blanket, to reassure me it was ok to fall asleep...ok to
leave the blunders and burdens of the day behind.

As I read the news of the earthquake in Pakistan I can't help
but feel empathy for the suffering and pain going on
there...and a bit of resentment for those of us, half a world
away, happily asleep in our beds, ignorant to the pain.

"We all have our times of pain and suffering", someone once told me.
But do we? Have we? And does that make it ok to go on as
if nothing has happened? Since it has not happened to us this time? I don't know how to feel about that.

Am I just too empathetic sometimes? I feel pathetic.

Good Girl!

2005-10-08T15:03:00.000-07:00

"Good girl," i declared as I patted her on the head and gave her a bowl of water. Slurp, slurp, slurp; she lapped it up, shook her coat, then wagged her tail as she looked up at me with her sweet big brown eyes.

"I can't believe she did it," I told my husband, putting my hands on my hips as I stretched my legs. "She's come along way," he confirmed with the pride of a father, kneeling to rub her tummy. "There was a time when she was too scared to go down a small set of stairs, and now, look at her. She should be proud of herself. I know I am proud of her."

The recipient of this praise and disbelief is my little dog, Sugar. A miniature American Eskimo housedog, you wouldn't expect her to have just climbed a VERY steep canyon wall (not sure of it's exact height but it is BIG and takes a good hour to get up it in shape and requires alot of rock-climbing, ledge-climbing and that tupe of thing.)...but she did it (with very little help from us, I might add.)

See, the reason we are so proud of her is that we got from some friends of ours when she was only a puppy. Apparently, the people that "owned" her (although I hate to use ownership with creatures) before our friends did had apparently mistreated her and abused her. So, needless to say, she was very skiddish when we first took her in. At one time, she was terrified of a set of 5 stair-steps or shivered at the thought of attempting to jump into the seat of our car.
But that was 1998 and this is 2005 and she really has come a long way.

So to our little hardcore house puppy, I say, good job!

Haiku Friday

2005-10-07T14:13:00.000-07:00

lips, nose, tits, and ass...

fake beauty sought, WRONG REASON!

plastic eternal

Stalker Serenade, How I Love Thee!

2005-10-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

It seems someone "out there" is stalking my blog. I discovered this today upon opening my email. I was surprisingly amused & even somewhat "stimulated" by the poetic and delightfully raw verbage. Queen of quandary, you know who you are. I love the work of your fingers...sufficiently pounding the keyboard. I eagerly anticipate the sound of your voice on the other end...

An Inspiring Quote

2005-10-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

I thought I would share with you my favorite quote from one of my favorite movies. I like it so much because of it's raw, timeless truth. It is taken from The Count of Monte Cristo written by Alexandre Dumas, screenplay by Jay Wolpert and is quoted by the main character, Edmond Dantes a.k.a. The Count of Monte Cristo. (Sorry about the run-on sentence folks ;) )

"Life is a storm my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment and be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into the storm as you shout as you did in Rome. 'Do your worst for I will do mine!'. Then the Fates will know you as we know you..."

So, if you are fortunate enough as I am today, to have the sun shining down upon you, savor and enjoy it. It may not last forever, unfortunately. Be ready at any time to take a stand for what you believe.

I Love The Onion!

2005-10-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

If you have never checked it out, you simply must go to www.theonion.com. It is a mock news source and it is where I go when I need a "pick-me-up", you know, when the world is getting a little too serious.

In the issue from September 28th that just got archived yesterday, there are a couple of pictures on it that just cracked me up right away. So if you go, you must go to the archives for the September 28th & scroll down about halfway and you will see what made me laugh...(yes, it's the Carhartt work thong!!!)

WARNING: If you are easily offended by just a little bit of political incorrectness, you may not want to go but if you need a good laugh, I highly recommend it!!!

The Army Wants You Back!

2005-10-02T00:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you may have to squint a bit to see this, but look at what I ran across while surfing the web tonight. It seems that the military is really hurting for recruits. Could it be that we are spread too thin all across the world? (gasp!) Surely not!

Please note that this specific snapshot of the website shows a form one can fill out and submit to be contacted by a recruiter. It waves money in your face..."up to $150,000 in bonuses" (ummmm.......right)

This specific form is for "prior service" like myself; someone who served a lot of time and got out for whatever reason.

Although I do consider it from time to time, I can't help but chuckle a bit at the way it seems to be bribing us former soldiers. "Please baby, take me back. I'll buy you lots of nice things & treat you better this time...I promise. I'll do ANYTHING to get you back! I can CHANGE, baby, I can CHANGE!!! ;)

The Rocks

2005-09-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

At the funeral for Bill today (see post "Farewell, dear Bill") I found some much needed inspiration and reassurance. As you can see, I can sometimes wander off into my own dark little mind, allowing myself to induldge in self-reflection and contemplation. Sometimes this is a good thing & other times it is not. Either way, Bill's funeral today helped me think simply again, even if for just a little while.

As I entered the doors of the outdated Southern Baptist church where the services were to be held, I noticed a table on which sat a bowl-full of polished rocks. There were purple ones, green ones, blue, brown, orange...just about every color you can imagine. In neatly printed handwriting just to the left of this bowl was a note. It read: "Bill asks that you each take one of his rocks & keep it with you as token to help you remember that when life gets rough and trying, just keep it simple & be grateful for the little things."

Tears filled my eyes, and I bit into my quivering lower lip, fighting that overwhelming urge to cry. I was somehow able to find the strength to repress it and I reached for the first rock that stood out at me. Light purple in color, it was flat and wide. I rubbed it a little with my thumb before putting it in my pocket just to cherish its smooth simplicity. Before I went in to the chapel and took my seat, I smiled and felt that warm presence of Bill as if someone put a warm blanket over my shoulders.

"Thank you," I whispered one last time, "I needed that."

Regrets of Normalcy

2005-09-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

normalcy

n 1: being within certain limits that define the range of normal functioning [syn: normality] [ant: abnormality] 2: expectedness as a consequence of being usual or regular or common [syn: normality]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Curled up cozily on the comfy, kooshie couch, I was abruptly interrupted from my brief love affair with chips & salsa. I had to stop mid-crunch to experience probably the best commercial I have ever seen.

Soldiers & sailors flashed across the screen, lugging metal magazines and sweat-laden stares. Rappelling from blackhawks, landing silvery jets, they tugged & pulled at my mind. Just as I somewhat drifted into the back of my head, cluttered with memories I heard the words, "Just think. Somewhere, some poor guy is buying a mini-van." Images of a poorly-dressed, pasty, forty-something father-of-three were flashed before me and I realized just how dull my life had become.***

Somewhere along the lines it lost its...Luster. Somewhere between the days of driving a humvee and feeling the touch of cold metal against my fingers and...The insurance desk job. It happened & it happened suddenly but I have realized it gradually. I am actually grateful I, at least, realized it at all.

So what do I do now, you might ask? Get it back. Get it back, somehow. There are a lot of things in life that can get a person up and going in that aspect. There are extreme sports, boxing, racing, jumping from things....All of which seem to only be done by crazy people but effective, none-the-less.

Are they all just some legal form of a drug habit...Keeping that adrenaline flowing to mask our dull and monotonous lives? Because if our lives consisted of constantly defending our selves against starvation, attack or other crisis, then we would not have time to sit & think about missing out, would we? ah, Maslov's pyramid and the hierarchy of need.

***Yes, I know, marketing worked on me... Blah...

Coffee cups & poor people dying....

2005-09-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't know if any of you have heard about this yet or not but I cannot keep my mouth shut about this one. I am still blinking and trying to pinch myself to check and see if it is really happening. Ok, so here it is...

Baylor University, yes, in my current state of Texas, has banned a coffee cup from the campus Starbucks. The reason that they have banned this cup is because it contains a quote from a gay novelist saying basically to live your life the way you want to & not to suppress your feelings out of fear.

I could go on and on about how this makes me feel & how depressing and enfuriating it is to know that I live in a state or even a country that worries about what two consenting, loving adults do behind their own bedroom doors, but I will refrain. I think this coffee cup ban speaks for itself about the conservative fundamentalist agenda.

I think that Baylor University needs to stop worrying about what coffee cups say and start worrying about taking a stand on what's right & wrong. Let's stop following blindly the extremist right-wing agenda & start thinking on our owns. After all, Baylor, you ARE a university, aren't you? Perhaps a Baptist one, but a university, none the less. You have a big say in things & could use it in a more positive way.

Like, for instance, perhaps questioning the actions of our current administration? There are poor 18 year-olds that couldn't afford to go to college that joined the Army instead and are now forced to fight a war that was started for the wrong reasons. (And if you disagree with me, please review my profile because I have served my country so I am not just some whiney idealist spouting empty comments. You see, I know what it's like to be sent to a middle eastern country with unanswered questions about the reason you are there & with idealists staring you down & threatening you at every turn.)

But, then again, coffee cups are really the important issue here, aren't they? I mean, why would you want to stand up for anything really important when it is so easy to hate & judge? Silly me...why am I going off on issues like dying human beings, that don't matter. So, thanks, Baylor University for reminding me of that.

Positive thoughts "shout-outs"

2005-09-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

To my dear friend Cheryl: Be strong, stand firm, and take a deep breath. All the answers will come out naturally. You are incredibly talented & more experienced than many & they would be stupid not to hire you! I feel confident in your abilities. You are a professional & you basically just rock anyway!!!Let me know how it goes!!!!

To my dear friend and sister Stacy: You will come out of this rut in which you are stuck, my friend. It will end. Before long, you will be back to writing better than ever before & making a HUGE difference in peoples' lives. You are so talented at that. I miss you dearly.

To my friend Jennifer's mother: I wish for balance, grounding, and peace in your mind & in your heart. Your daughter Jennifer loves you very much & is worried about your health. She wants nothing more in this world than for you to be more careful & take things more slowly. You can and will make it through this.

To my friend, sister, and more ;) Shea: The little black raincloud that has been following you and your family around for the past few years....it has to pass over eventually. It cannot continue this forever. You will make it through this. It will happen. You guys will come out stronger than before.

Farewell, dear Bill

2005-09-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

It's ironic that I just posted "The Diner" a few days ago because last night I had a dream about a wonderful soul that means a lot to that place. In my dream I saw him sitting at a table in the diner and he was struggling to get out of his chair to leave. I saw his hands, shaking like leaves as they gripped the chair for support. I saw his face, wrinkled with wisdom and I felt a sadness and pity in my heart. He got up from the table & said good bye as he walked towards the door. That was all I remembered when I woke up this morning.

On my way to class, while sipping an overpriced starbucks, I received a call from my father. With difficulty in his voice, my father advised me that Bill had passed away yesterday. I could hear him choking back tears. Bill was a very good friend of his. My dad continued to tell me that Bill's family (ailing wife, and aging children) all came in this morning to the diner to have breakfast together in honor of Bill. They normally do not go to the diner but they knew what it and the people in it meant to him, so they decided to celebrate the end of his suffering and the beginning of his new life beyond. My father, having been a close friend, was asked to be a pallbearer and accepted with tears blurring his eyes.

I cried...A lot. You see, Bill was one of those special men with a certain glowing light in his eyes. He sat next to my dad, in the same corner of the diner, day after day, for probably close to forty years, telling jokes, telling war-stories, and sharing memories. He was a retired elementary school teacher and principal and cared passionately about the children's lives he inspired. "My children," he called them all.

I can still remember coming into the diner with my dad on Saturday mornings locked & loaded with coloring book and crayons in hand. I can still feel his firm & loving hand patting me gently on my headful of pigtails. He would always lean over and critique my coloring & tell me what a good job I did even when I didn't stay in the lines.

I knew that Bill had been ailing recently, and it saddened me to see such a wonderful person suffering. He was a great friend of my fathers and a man that truly gave all he had for the ideals in which he believed. He is a man that will, forever, remain in my heart & in the hearts of many.

So, as I pulled into the parking lot this morning, I wiped the tears from my cheeks and smiling, said my farewells to Bill, thanking him for coming to visit me one last time in my dreams last night.

Farewell, dear Bill. May you rest in beautiful peace.

P.S. I still color outside of the lines, Bill.

Ummmm, light on the ethnocentrism and fundamentalism, please…

2005-09-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

I have been a few places in this world but that has been enough to realize that you don’t necessarily have to be a world traveler to open up your mind. It’s not difficult to open up and make an honest effort to at least respect different cultures, religions, or ideas in general. However, it seems there are a total of about 3 of us that feel that way in this place (a city of 185,000 in Texas, specifically in the Bible belt). Ok, so maybe I am exaggerating just a big, but I am not too far off on that one.

I guess I just don’t see how it is that difficult to understand that people are people and people are different. Perhaps this place is getting to me. It could be the plethora of rebel flags, spit-cups, dually trucks, and beer cans that litter the side of the “Don’t mess with Texas” highway. I feel like if I hear another racial slur or “git ‘er done”, I am going to vomit. Another lovely sight I see on a regular basis is a bumper sticker with the following statement: “A Closed Mind is a Wonderful Thing”. I see these regularly around here; enough said.

Or maybe it’s the overabundance of right-wing fundamentalist churches that incorporate politics into religion? That could be it too. After all, after a friend found out I did not vote for “W” in the last election, she was taken completely aback and could not even speak for a few moments on the phone with me (seriously). I am sure she has been praying for my soul ever since. She implied in the conversation following the awkward silence that I could not consider myself a Christian if I had voted for anyone but “W”. Hmmm...guess I missed that verse in the Bible somewhere. I’ll be sure to look that up right away. ZZZZzzzzzzz

So, I guess since there is no way I will be able to single-handedly (well, with the help of the other 3 progressive people in this town) change the attitudes of the masses. So, what is the solution, you may ask? Well, the world is changing, but it is going to take a LONG time to get these people up to speed with progressive thought. In the future, I may be seriously considering moving to a “blue” state, somewhere light on ethnocentrism & fundamentalism. Somewhere mullets are no longer a fashion accessory and somewhere that you are not behind the power curve if you have not had your third child by the age of 27 (yes, I have been told this).

I guess, in the meantime, I will just need to be prepared to handle these people around here and take them with a grain of salt.

Do You Ever Feel the Undertow?

2005-09-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel the undertow? Some people claim to never feel it.

A dark, mysterious force, it tugs at your firmly rooted feet in the water, tugging, always trying to pull you under, to take you away. But you keep fighting it by standing strong, resisting its temptations, paddling your legs and arms and staying closer to shore. At first you always try to ignore it by looking for beautiful seashells, always more and more of them. Then that loses interest after awhile and you desperately look to the sky for hope and guidance. Then, sometimes you find someone else next to you, fighting the same battle. Sometimes they don’t make it, but sometimes they do. But somehow you do. You keep fighting it; even though sometimes it takes you under for awhile, you always re-emerge, gasping for air. It just loses strength for a time or maybe you get stronger for awhile.

And then sometimes, you stop to focus on it, and you let yourself get drunk on its tab. You let it whisper its seductive, evil offers in your ear. You think about where it would take you, what it would do with you if it had its way. You allow yourself to indulge in its perversion, feeling the sand between your toes intensify as you ponder its power. You allow yourself to wander away from the shore and up to your neck in the water. You can hear the people on the beach, calling your name, calling for you to come back closer to the shore. So, you finally come to your senses & move a little closer to the shore, into shallower, safer water. You suddenly appreciate the oxygen you breath, the ocean mist against your cheek, the saltwater and sand that tangles your hair, and the seashells that pinch your toes that much more…for awhile.

As the waves roll by, you jump up and ride them back down to the sandy floor. Some of them you can handle, but some of them knock you down. But you keep going on, somehow, day after day, both fighting and playing with it. Eventually, it becomes your closest enemy but also your best friend. It’s a duality, and you tell yourself it makes you stronger the more you fight it.

You can always feel it…even if it’s ever so slight, it’s always there. You laugh, you play, and you work, always knowing you have to keep up the fight. But it is always there at your feet, tugging at them and pulling at them. You hope that one day you will be able to walk away from the undertow and stand on solid ground forever.

The Diner

2005-09-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

It sits on Old Historic Route 66. When you pull in you can almost see the waitresses roller-skating to your car to take your order. You can almost hear the Buddy Holly playing from the speakers. The roof seems proud and the patrons park in the spaces perfectly. A sign outside the restaurant says “Thanks for everything”. This little diner has been open quite a while, and many that were there for its beginning still come every day. They get here however they can…hobbling in on canes, or on the arms of their white-haired women.

It’s hard to see when you first walk in because of the thick wall of smoke. But, amazingly, once you break through the wall, you can see pretty well. Even with the outdated color palette, peeling wood paneling & dim yellow light fixtures, you can still feel that this is a special place to many.

When I was a little bit younger I didn’t understand why my dad always went to have coffee in the morning at the same place. Why would a person want to go to some outdated, smoky diner every day? To listen to a bunch of old men grumble & mumble about anything and everything?

This morning, now that I am a bit older and wiser, I decided to track my dad down at the diner to have some coffee with him. As I walked past several tables & booths, I took note of the people sitting in them. It’s funny, they seem like the exact same people I remember as a kid. However, I think my perspective has changed a bit.

At the first table sat four old men of sturdy character. They must have been in their late seventies, maybe mid-eighties. Each one was dressed up as if he were going to some important job after breakfast, but they are all retired. I couldn’t help but hear them talking about the good old days & how things used to be better. It made my heart ache to know the loneliness & regret that must stagnate in this diner.

A few tables down an elderly woman sat by herself. She was dressed very fancy, as if she were on her way to church. As I walked past, she lifted up a metallic napkin dispenser, smudged with fingerprints. While she examined her wrinkled face in the reflection, she applied almost obscenely red lipstick with her other hand, ever so carefully as it shook.

Then I saw him. He was sitting in the far corner, all alone. He has come here every day for probably forty years. He sipped luke-warm coffee from a stained white cup. His face told the story of his life; hard work, dedication, pride, and honesty. His hands were blistered and leathery. In his left breast pocket was a notepad and pen. With a neatly combed white head of hair, he looked up in my direction. “Look who it is!” he gasped with joy. Standing to his reliably sturdy feet, he extended his arms to me. His embrace always made me melt inside and his kisses to my forehead made me feel everything was going to be ok.

I sat down at the table with him & ordered a coffee. A tired & ragged waitress, wearing a stained & ill-fitting uniform took my order & left us alone. I sat there in utter respect & humility as I listened to my father tell of the good old days. The days of drag racing his ‘57 Ford up and down the once-busy streets of downtown. Today, they are desolate with despair & economic hardship. I listened to him tell of chasing girls in poodle skirts & trying to get up enough courage to ask one of them out on a date to have a milkshake.

As I sat there, I couldn’t help but realize that yes, my perspective had changed & yes, there really is something to this little diner. I never understood it before, but now that I have grown up, it is all too clear.

It is a living, breathing metaphor, a symbol of the past & the good old days gone by. Those are days you can never get back, no matter how hard you try. The fresh, stinging urgency of youth, the excitement of every new activity. After time, we experience so much. If we are lucky, we experience many good things but most of us also endure heartache, pain, and suffering. As we age, everything loses that zeal, that luster it once had. I guess that is just part of aging.

But at least I know that in this little diner, some find solace and contentment when they cannot find it in the outside world. A world full of terrorism, cancer, hurricanes, tsunamis, war, and debt.

So, thank you to that little diner & it’s good, honest people for keeping memories alive.

And, most of all, thanks for keeping my dad happy.

Needed break from terrifying media images

2005-09-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

With everything sad and horrific going on in the world right now, I thought it might be nice to just look at some pleasant images. (I will continue trying to post more of my paintings, photos, or sculptures about once a week if not more) Enjoy & keep in mind those still suffering from Hurricane Katrina & those evacuating in preparation for the next one.

Awe crap, another one?

2005-09-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, it looks like there is another hurricane on its way. It is not looking too good right now for anyone involved, really. So far, last I heard it was still a Category 5 with speeds of 212 mph. Youch! I have many friends down in the San Antonio area & they are all stocking up on supplies & even taking in some people evacuating from Houston. Let's just hope, wish, pray (or whatever you do) that this thing weakens, at least. I really hope so. If not, I am afraid we are going to see more horrific devastation & human pain & suffering.

Let's certainly hope not.

Go away, Hurricane Rita!

(ps-the picture here is courtesy of theweatherchannel.com)

Happy Virus

2005-09-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days! My husband and I were "blessed" with a lovely little stomach virus. So, as you can imagine, our attention has been directed elsewhere for the past few days. I am happy to report, we are feeling much much better now. So, don't worry, even if you do get this nasty little critter early in the season like we did, hopefully it won't last long.

Take your vitamins!!!!

Chick_With_A_Gun

Reason and human beings

2005-09-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have found, through a series of unfortunate events recently, that it is only possible to reason with humans that have certain capacities to process & analyze information. It seems, at least where I am living at the current time, that the process for reasoning with people in a conlift has become much more complicated. Though I try my best to be considerate & caring, there are those who simply cannot understand logic...those who simply lash back with cheap and foul words. I allow myself to get very worked up about this but after a while, I realize that some just don't have the capacity. I know this sounds so very snobbish, but I am sorry...it has to be true.

Gay marriage.....blah blah blah

2005-09-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

So I just watched this documentary about gay marriage in America. I find it so sad that we are actually taking the time to debate something like this. It is a civil rights issue, in my opinion. There is such a thing as separation of church and state in our constitution which means that we should not be bringing our religious views into lawmaking. Well, guess what, the religious right is once again trying to apply THEIR viewpoints onto everyone in society. Ok, so say you are Christian....you should know that even God (from a Christian view point) gives all of us free will. So what's the big deal about sex then? And if you want to argue the whole "what the bible says is..." arguement then I suggest you look into all the ways that the bible has been modified throughout the years. It is pretty obvious to me. Sex is just sex....that's all it is. It is really no big deal. We are the ones making it a big deal. Look at all the animals that do it. Now, since animals "have no soul" as so many seem to believe, then they apparently have no grasping of right or wrong, so are they going to hell too since they sometimes hump members of the same sex? hmmmm....something to ponder. The problem is that the people that are so adimately against gay rights are also the same people that need to focus on their own lives mirroring that of Christ. If you really want it in your face, I feel that Christ was a liberal democrat of sorts. Anyway, I guess it really doesn't matter what I think anyway. Oh well, someday all the closed-minded people will figure it out. But, by then, will it be too late?

In My Blood

2005-09-15T16:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you may be asking yourself, "what's with the title of your blog?". So here goes. (Oh, and please forgive me if this isn't too interesting. This is my first attempt at a blog.)

See, I was in the Army for about 7 1/2 years and got out about 2 years ago. Well, now that I have drudged along in the sludgy daily slime of civilian life, working for corporations that didn't really care about me, I miss it alot more than I thought. Not only do I miss the comradery, but I also miss the feeling of being a part of something bigger, something important. And yes, I do most definitely miss all the hardcore fun stuff I got to do.

You see, this civilian life is wearing thin on me and making me yawn alot more than I thought it would. No matter how much I try to suppress it, I can feel that need for the pain, the struggle, and the hard work I used to do in the Army. So, it's like my warrior ways are still with me, and no matter what I try to do to get rid of them, they won't go away.

It must be in my blood.